you need loving space- a boot story

I went into the wilderness for 4 days with my husband and it was heaven. But turns out, heaven is also COLD in November! To prepare my feet from being cold, the first day I put on my two pairs of insulated socks and then because I was super smart, placed toe warmers in-between my boot and sock as well.

After a few hours my feet were pretty chilly. Ok, fine. Expected. And then… they got soooo cold. And then! Well by the time we reached the truck after a long hike they were close to the beginning stages of frostbite. I couldn't believe it! Two pairs of insulated socks and toe warmer! WTH? So the next day I used two different, better pairs of socks. But guess what? SAME RESULT. Before my toes went full on needles poking you in the eyeball freezing cold- I took the larger pair of socks off and just had my thin insulated socks and the toe warmers. And…it was better? What?

It took my brain to figure out what was going on, but as the toe warmers started to REALLY HEAT UP- I realized that DUH, the toe warmers are AIR activated, and apparently with another pair of socks in there, they weren’t getting enough air to warm up. And to make it an even better DUH moment, I had so many socks on and with the toe warmers, I cut the circulation off to my toes entirely the first day and a half. So it wasn’t really the cold weather, it was my own attempt to stay warm that almost made me lose a pinky toe! (I’m exaggerating, but it did take over an hour to be able to freely move my little piggies that first night).

these are great boots to stay dry in btw- just in case you’re in the market

I was trying TOO hard to stay warm, that I cut off my body’s natural ability to create and maintain heat (and uh…that’s called circulation my friends). And also my boots ability to keep my feet warm as well.

Over the next few days my feet were dry and warm and wonderful. And then, my heart went cold as I started to experience a lot of mom guilt. Like, loads of it. The stories running through my mind were: I was ruining my kids by being gone. Tommy would be permanently damaged from me being gone. Etc etc etc. And I noticed my mind start turning out ways to FIX the problem. I must fix this! I can’t be a bad mom!

But the fact was, I wanted to be in the mountains. And…I did the best I could getting the kids ready for us to be gone. There was absolutely nothing I could do in that moment other than forgive myself for judging myself as if I could be a bad mom. I wasn’t trying to harm my kids by being gone, I wasn’t purposefully making their life hard, I prepared the best that I could and that was that.

I know what to do a little better for next time. And…mom guilt is just a scapegoat. It’s the mind’s last resort to not feel shame. “See!” it says, “I’m not a bad mom for leaving because I FEEL bad about leaving!”. But here’s the thing, I am not a bad mom, and neither are you!

The ability for me to look at those thoughts around being a bad mom and the guilt of leaving my kids is where all of my power is. Where I can just look at my judgements and inquire after them, is where real change happens.

“I wonder why I feel guilty about this?”

“Is it true I am ruining my kids?”

“Who am I judging for being a ‘bad’ mom, or gone too ‘much’ that I am ready to forgive?”

Those questions produced some really amazing answers.

But guess what? Even if those questions didn’t produce results- I still would inquire, because the power is in being the witness to the mind. Not it’s servant.

Because just like the space and air my toe warmers and feet need to work properly, my mind just needs a little space to create an opening for change. No mom changed her parenting habits that don’t work through guilt and shame, but even if she did change her actions, the guilt and shame would still be there.

Real change comes from an opening. From inquiry. A loving space to witness what is going on inside your noggin that is causing distress.

…it’s the inquiry where the power is, not the information you derive from the inquiry.

Because I say that a well-designed, rigorous inquiry, while not leading to answers, while not leading to information, while not leading necessarily to understanding, leads to an opening, like a possibility, like a clearing, for that into which I’m inquiring.”

-Werner Erhard

So today, give yourself permission to have a little space. Maybe you can stop trying so hard to change everything that you see as WRONG in your life, and instead pose the question in your heart: “I wonder why I think this should change?” And then let your miraculous heart do the change for you, because that’s what it does!

I love you! And remember to not cut off your circulation, it hurts! haha