Christmas time drama
Christmas time is here, and I'm going to talk about something kinda different (or maybe not) and what I want to share about is my own capacity to receive, contain and give love.
What most of us don't know (or at least I didn't) is that you were born with, and developed by around age 8, a certain level of joy, love, success and abundance that is comfortable for your brain and body. My personal belief is that this is all for a specific reason, and it's all 'bout this journey on earth. I truly believe that our path in this life is to learn how to receive MORE love and GIVE more love.
Each of us have unique blocks to receiving, containing and giving love-and expanding our capacity to do these three things is a beautiful challenge. I don't think any of these obstacles are mistakes. I don't think we are here to tell people they parented wrong or raised their culture wrong or anything of that sort. We are here to look WITHIN ourselves and ask, “How much love, joy and success can I hold within me? And for how long?”
When it came to Christmastime, holidays and birthdays, as a young mom, there was SO MUCH JOY in my little kiddos hearts and lives. EVERYTHING for them was exciting and joy filled and SO DARN CUTE. And guess what? It pushed me very early to the limit of how much joy and love I could handle. So, like any brilliant human, to feel better, I created drama. I literally had to bring down the happiness meter by just a few inches (or feet!), and get back to where Annie was comfortable. And then, to top it off, I would JUDGE myself for doing these things. I labeled myself as crazy. What kind of mom is stressed out during birthdays and Christmas? Especially Christmas????! Me my friend, it was always me.
I remember my first Christmas married, I received so much love and attention and gifts from my new in-law family, that I literally cried. Not in joy, but in crushing sadness. My body and mind were so uncomfortable with that amount of joy and love. That put me into years of blaming my parents for not giving me good Christmas' and birthdays, and that's why I couldn't just ‘be happy’. It also put me into years of going insane with my kids' birthdays and holidays to make sure it didn't happen to them. (Spoiler alert* that's impossible, you can't create a perfect childhood)
But guess what? I now know that my parents were EXACTLY the way they were supposed to be. My happiness, joy, love and success limit within me was not a mistake. It was perfect. And here was my path set before me, "How much happiness, joy love and success am I willing to receive? Contain with ease? and the give away freely?!
Confession: I have had the most amazing Christmas seasons the last 5 years. I really focused on expanding my heart, receiving God's love and sharing it. I transformed my relationship with gift giving and receiving. And I made my holiday experience the way I wanted it. But…I was always a little ticked off with my husband. (shhhh, don't tell him this).
Well this year he and I have had an amazing year of transforming our relationship. We've bonded more than ever and things are better than ever. So here is Christmastime, and over the last few weeks, I can literally watch myself trying to create drama with him. And when I catch myself doing that, and stop, all of a sudden I am watching myself create drama in other ways because damn it! I just don't know how to expand any more right now! I feel like my inner child is like “ok, this is enough joy and love! let's not push it! what if it gets really, really good and then it's gone?” Little Annie is so so cute, and so so scared still.
I have to stop, put my hand on my heart and remind her, “You are worthy of all the love in the world, because it's who you are.” We are all made of stardust, we are all eternal pieces of the universe, perfect children of God. Everything is here for me, my only job is to find out what I truly desire, and allow myself to feel worthy of it. I have a deep desire to share with people the truths that set my heart free, that unlocked the door from my inner personal prison, the helped me remember how to forgive and live in love. And the better care I take of Annie, the more she expands to fulfill that desire.
I hope in sharing this, you can learn a little about yourself. We are more connected than you can imagine. It's ok if you noticed that you are at your joy, happiness and love limit, and are creating up some drama. Just witness it. Watch yourself as you go throughout your day. Would planning or cleaning more create more ease and space for love? Or would planning or cleaning more create more stress? What are you feeling called to do in this moment? What about last Christmas would you like to repeat? What would you like to change? What decisions about Christmas are from love? Which are from fear?
Over the years, I've learned a few things about Annie:
I know that I don't enjoy wrapping too many presents Christmas Eve, but I do enjoy wrapping a few! I know that I don't enjoy getting all of my shopping and wrapping done before Thanksgiving. I know that I still haven't found the best neighbor present this year, and that's ok too. I know that I don't know how to enjoy Christmastime without being pissed at my husband, but I am willing to learn! And I am!
Isn't that amazing? We always have the agency to learn, expand and grow. Every day I am expanding my ability to receive, contain and give love. And as I continue to do this, I inspire others to do the same.
Sending you a a big warm hug from my couch. Happy Holidays my dear one. You are able to receive more love, joy, abundance and success than you can even imagine. Go forth and receive it!