how do we change?
so you’ve noticed some unhealthy patterns in your life. CONGRATS!
now what?
if you’ve head the terms “conscious” and “unconscious” floating around the inter webs and in your daily conversations with weird hippy people, then welcome to the world of change!
becoming “conscious” means bringing to light that which was in darkness. you either chose not to see it, or LITERALLY could not see it. either way, you are now “seeing” it and because of our social conditioning, you aren’t liking it.
we are taught from an early age that anything not good is bad. 2 plus two equals four. how else can you think about something that is an unhealthy pattern, reaction that you notice? it’s like taking out the garbage- “yup this is stinky and smelly and old and not benefiting anyone, so i’m going to just throw it out.” well, does it work? what negative person, reaction, belief or thought pattern have you noticed, thought was gross, disgusting or not worthwhile and just “throwing it out” or “getting rid of it'“ actually worked?
i’ll give you the number of times it has worked for me- NADA.
trying to get rid of something the same way you acquired it- doesn’t work. and how do we acquire unconscious negative patterns, thoughts, actions and beliefs? WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING WE ARE. no one would willingly and lovingly live in a house of garbage, adding more garbage to it and going “gee, I just love the smell of rotten oranges and spoiled milk all day!”
when we become conscious, we are gently (and I need to stress GENTLY) looking at our thoughts and beliefs and actions as a NEUTRAL witness. I call it “watching the Annie show!”. grab a bowl of popcorn and a comfy blanket and enjoy the entertainment. you will notice when you feel mad/sad/afraid, how your body reacts when it feels mad/sad/afraid, how you treat others and yourself when you feel mad/sad/afraid, how you think about the future and the past when you feel mad/sad/afraid, what thoughts you think when you feel mad/sad/afraid, etc etc etc.
now-if you get “mad/sad/afraid” when you notice the previously unconscious stuff- I hate to break it to you, but that’s just dipping back into unconsciousness again. and it’s normal. I call it the awareness “cha-cha” and its a funny little dance.
I become consciously aware of something I never saw before, but if it’s a special trigger for me i’ll automatically react unconsciously to try and protect myself. and then, TA-DA! I’m aware that I just unconsciously reacted. back and forth. side to side. one step forward, three steps in place. when i’m aware i’m learning, and if I can be aware WITH LOVE- then the process is easier, effortless, dare I say…enjoyable?
yes, i’ve learned how to laugh at Annie and all her silly habits and beliefs and reactions from fear. and there are a lot, so there is a lot of laughter ;).
this is more than helpful because the more aware you become of yourself- then the better at noticing unconscious beliefs and harmful actions by others you become- in societal systems- communities-religions- governments- the world….bleh. sometimes it isn’t as easy to laugh at these. bringing these to light takes a little more love and patience- because they are strongly tethered in by the beliefs of millions of others.
for example- while attending church every week- I noticed the beliefs and thoughts that caused my body stress. I noticed the thousands of judgements I was holding and processing all.the.time. but these just were not mine-they were my parents’ beliefs and their parents’ beliefs and their parents’ beliefs and on and on.
one of the biggest unconscious egoic beliefs in church I had a hard time not wanting to just “throw out the window’ (because it was stinky and smelly and I hated it), was the way members of our church view “callings”. here is a short run down- our group of local members we live by (a ward) runs all by volunteers. you get asked to help in a specific area, and if you say yes that is your “calling” until you are asked to work in another one. some callings are small-just making copies- some are larger- making decisions and responsible for the entire ward- you can serve with the children age 3-12 (called the primary) or with the youth age 12-18 or teach adult Sunday school or an adult men or women’s class, or be in charge of funerals and helping the sick, etc etc etc.
over time (or right away?), ego came in on a swift dark horse. and this is what ego says, “SOME CALLINGS ARE IMPORTANT and SOME CALLINGS ARE NOT”. it also screams “IF YOU HAVE AN IMPORTANT CALLING IT MEANS YOU ARE IMPORTANT”. well well, looky there. a judgement! and what’s the turnaround of that judgement? “If you DO NOT have and important calling YOU ARE NOT IMPORTANT.” and even better, if you have certain important callings these mean “you are WORTHY and HOLY”. and what is that turnaround? if you do NOT Have those callings, or never have, “YOU ARE LESS WORTHY AND LESS HOLY”.
someone throw that trash right out the window please!!!! blech. so within this culture- whether born into it or adopted into it- these beliefs take hold prettttty quickly. I mean, even the “holy callings” sit on higher seats during our sacrament meetings. we address them differently than others out of “respect”, but really it is just a way to keep the separation going. If we feel different from each other we will always feel different than God. my parents were so dead set on this separation in the name of “respect”- if someone had been a bishop you call them bishop THE REST OF THEIR FRIGGIN LIFE- and if you don’t, well just go horsewhip yourself you ungrateful unworthy swine! my husband’s uncle was the “stake president” for almost a decade- and I still called him Uncle Matt, I swear it drove my mom crazy. “It’s President, not Matt!”
now, how can we notice a smelly, stinky, unhelpful cultural norm and get rid of it- WITHOUT JUDGING IT? how can we look at it with love and acceptance? because Jesus Christ preached and preached about NEVER treating anyone differently based on their occupation, social standing or, gasp…even their “sins”! and here we are, constantly placing people in boxes and boxes within the boxes. we ARE THE PHARISEES people. but how can we see that with love?
ego is always afraid, and to cover up it’s fear it gives us new fears to focus on. and it’s best selling fear of all time? i’m talking multi-platinum, NYT best-seller, Nobel Prize, Oscar, Tony, Grammy and Emmy winning fear?
YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH.
and how does it keep this fear real and alive? by separation. making people, based on outside factors, MORE and with the same equation making people LESS. because then it has an easy equation to work with. “Ok, so the more holy I become the better calling I will have, which will mean I AM ENOUGH! and I will finally feel like enough, and even better, i’ll think i’m helping more people feel enough too!” (all total bologna by the way!)
and the turnaround? because remember, if ego can’t be the best, it will want to be the worst! or the most different! or the special one! or the VICTIM. “I am unworthy and not enough because of my callings, because of my parents’ and grandparents’ callings” etc etc etc.
when talking with someone, they will tell me (or I would tell them) “Oh, yeah they were my brothers MISSION PRESIDENT” ta-da!! ladies and gentleman we have A WORTHINESS WINNER!!! or even better, they are a GENERAL AUTHORITY- (like the holiest of holies). a moment of silence please for our egos to put everyone in their places. . . .
but when we can bring love into this- when we can see WHY we believed the ego separation stories of worthiness and WHY we have perpetuated them for so long? Well then we can LOVE and ACCEPT the unhealthy beliefs and patterns and actions, and let them go.
judging them and categorizing them won’t get rid of them, because DUR that’s what got them there in the first place.
we can say a little prayer for our scared little hearts- so afraid of not being enough. so afraid of not knowing who is enough and who isn’t. desperately wanting and needing social cues and signposts and signals of WHAT MAKES US ENOUGH. all from the world mind, all from the natural man, all not true.
slowly, some of these patterns are being dismanteled from the top down- they have eliminated many presidency “calling” names and caste systems. we used to have “1st and 2nd” counselors in a lot of callings, no they are “assistants” or “leaders”. my husband and I look forward to the day when only a few people from the “responsible” callings sit up front- or take turns. and it’s just no big deal. we all just take turns taking care of each other. no one is less than, no one is better than. but we have to come from a neutral place to get there.
it’s ok this is what our parents believed and their parents, and many still believe. it’s ok when you notice people treating someone differently based on their “calling” or where they were “married”.
we can witness with love when we see ourselves automatically judging. and then we can witness with love when we recognize it in others. they are just afraid. they are trying to be safe. they are trying to see if they are loved and accepted by God. and most of us learned how to do that by judging where others are first.
bless our hearts, we are all just scared little babies.
no one is HOLIER or in a better standing with GOD because of their calling.
no one is immune to ego’s lies and manipulation because of their responsibilities.
no one is accepted into Heaven faster because they sat in a different chair at church.
God is not a respecter of persons- and noticing how we are ALWAYS judging and categorizing and labeling- is ok. Let’s notice with love. Let’s accept why those patterns are here. And let’s learn to laugh at ourselves when we watch the old patterns when they come back into the script.
Remember, it’s a cha-cha. One step into consciousness and loving peace- a few steps back into our crazy minds of egoic fear and neediness. and then back into love again and again and again until it becomes OUR NEW PATTERN.
THAT MY FRIENDS IS HOW WE CHANGE.