you self sabotage, and I know it

Self Sabotage. Is there anything we beat ourselves up more for than self sabotaging? And an even better question: does everyone self sabotage?

 According to spiritual and psychological scholars- the ego has certain archetypes (personality traits) and even though each of us have several unique combinations of archetypes- underneath it all, we all share the same 4 basic ones.

 And guess what? One of those is the Saboteur. You can learn more about the saboteur here.

 If you don't think you have a “saboteur” inside of you, try to notice how you feel and judge people's self sabotaging behaviors that you see.

 Notice how you judge people who lose weight and then gain it back. What about your friend that keeps dating loser boyfriends (or marrying them). And then there is your friend who is always running on empty and never asks for help, or the one that is so negative she never even has any friends.

 Guess what? ALL VERSIONS of the saboteur doing its thang. And its thang is to keep you safe from your fears. What are you afraid of? What do you do to avoid feeling those fears? What are your top 3 ways you sabotage yourself when you get close to those fears?

 There's a really good article about self sabotage on a self help site here. And it explains a lot of self sabotaging behaviors.

• Constantly trying to control others

• Setting goals that are too low or too high, or never setting goals

• Wasting time seeking approval

• Making excuses or blaming others

• Avoiding or withdrawing from others

• Trying to undermine others (constantly nit picking- starting conflicts)

• Setting too high or too low of goals

• Negative self talk and self-criticism.

• Overspending, underspending, overeating, not eating enough, overworking to exhaustion, not working enough.

Sound familiar? It is because all of us have this aspect in us. But unlike the website and other outlets that give you advice on how to STOP self sabotaging, I'm going to offer a crazy idea, and it's to befriend and LOVE your saboteur.

But heres' the thing, to really love someone you have to get to know them. And you can't get to know someone until you spend time with them and really learn about them.

In high school my arch nemesis in track and field was from our rival school. She and I ran all the same races and each track meet one of us would beat the other by a second or two. Back and forth, she was always there. So of course, I made her my enemy and talked badly about her everywhere I went. Fast forward a few years and I have my first lifeguarding job at a hotel, and guess who is my supervisor? Yup. The same girl. As we trained together and worked shifts together, I got to know her, her life story, and I fell in love with who she was as a person. She was honest, hardworking, authentic, kind, patient, and had been through so much for someone her age. I even named one of my children after her!

The point of this story is we make the saboteur an enemy. We blame all of our problems on her. We try to ignore her. “How can I STOP self sabotaging?” But here's the thing, it's a part of you for a reason. The saboteur is showing you your hidden fears, and 99.9% of those fears are about success. 

It was the blemish free lamb that was sacrificed. The most beautiful virgin in the village was sacrificed to the monster. The bad guy in every movie is rich. The beautiful and successful women were either evil or kidnapped.

We have a deep fear of being seen and succeeding. It's safer to stay hidden, small and insignificant. You can't blame the tired, frazzled depressed mom on anything, but you can blame the mom that is dressed nicely, her kids have matching socks and is also speaking up and trying to make positive changes. You can't be upset at someone with terminal cancer, but you can hate Elon Musk for having too much money, or J.Lo for looking too youthful for her age.

Notice a pattern? The world tells you to become successful, while at the same time telling you it's dangerous to be successful. The world tells you to have a family, but also that family life is draining, exhausting and soul crushing. The world tells you to get healthy and fit, but makes healthy and fit people the target of all blame.

Your saboteur is making sure you stay safe. It is also showing you are on the edge of a new expansive level of happiness, joy and success. The greatest way to gain real self-esteem, and step into the awesomeness of who you are, is to love every part of your ego inside of you, especially the saboteur. My saboteur loves to keep me safe by overeating, underworking, procrastinating, undermining others, creating drama, and self criticism. I know that when this is happening, I’m approaching some fears. And I can just love little Annie and where she is and where she is afraid of going.

Because the good news? You truly can love your fears. You can serve your fears by listening to them. Being with them. Giving them a seat at the table (and not the little kids table). Validate them. Love them. Love your saboteur. Get to know it. Make it your secret sister and gift it your attention and love. Watch yourself as you self-sabotage and just the love watching it. “How sweet! Look at me sleeping in!”

I know that sounds crazy (to your mind), but it really works! Judgement only creates more judgement. Love and acceptance create more love and acceptance.

Only knowledge tells you you aren't perfect. And that being perfect is dangerous. And all knowledge is from the “world”, not truth. The truth is, you are a perfect Child of God. Created from Love, and made of love. Anything less than that is not who you are, it's just your human parts of you, the fears, the worries, the prejudices being lived out through your mind and body.

A dear friend sent me the most beautiful quote this morning as I wrote this, “It's difficult to try to be what vou are not, to try to convince yourself and everyone else that you are what you are not. Trying to be what you are not expends all your energy. Being what you are doesn't require any effort.” -Don Miguel Ruiz from this book.

You are magnificent. 

You are here to bring more love, goodness and peace into this world.

You are here to make a difference in a specific way only YOU can.

You're staying small and hidden doesn't serve anyone but your fears. (and that's ok if that's where you are right now)

I love you. I'm proud of you. I know you are exactly where you are supposed to be. Have a fabulous weekend, wether that is shining bright or staying hidden. They both are perfect. Seriously.