reacting from fear

I take a break from social media from Saturday to Sunday evening, and it.is.heaven.

I honestly look forward to it now.

When I hopped back on this evening I had 4 messages and posts telling me that if I say nothing, as a white person, about George Floyd, that I am a racist. That inaction means I side with the oppressor.

I felt fearful. I felt like, well yes, that's true, I better post something right away! And then I checked in in the great "within" about what was going on. Why did I want to post? So that I didn't feel judged or rejected. Was I posting to uplift or heal? No. I was posting because I would "feel" more loving, "feel" more accepting, "feel" more outraged, and also, "feel" like I fit in and I'm knowledgeable.

But guess what? I know NOTHING. I do know this, no one deserves to live or die in hatred. I have prayed for all involved in George Floyd's murder and for all the earth. My heart has been hurting. I've been holding space for all of the fears and hatred and violence and sadness collectively being experienced right now. It is heavy, but I am trying to fully feel and explore all of it.

But posting just to fit in, just to feel not judged, just to feel "not racist", is an ego reaction. And yes, I'm sure I"ll make a lot of people mad with this post, and I'm ok with that. I love you, I hear you, I wish you peace.

But here's the thing.. your ego has to fit in, so it will do whatever, whenever to feel safe and not rejected.

When we react from ego, it looks a lot like:

Anger

Confusion

Stressing

Needing

Wanting

Pushing

Controlling

Resenting

Shaming

Guilting

Belittling

Knee jerk reactions

Quick judgements

The ego believes it is separate from all others and God. When we believe we are separate we live in constant fear and defensiveness.

This is also known as pride or enmity. Enmity is opposition to any and all things. And who made all things, and is within all things? Oh, you know, you’re bff God.

Right now there is a wave of collective fear and judgment rising to the surface to be seen. It is a time for grieving and feeling. It is a time for inner work and forgiveness, not a time to lash out.

I don't believe it is ever, and especially not now, a time to judge anyone but our own thoughts. It is a time to heal. Forgiveness is the only way and it starts within.

These questions have brought me a lot of inner healing as I looked at my hatred, my opposition and my fears. Ask yourself these hard questions this week:

What do I hate about myself and others? How do I judge myself and others?

When do I feel less than others?

When do I feel better than others? What/whom am I suffocating to death with my thoughts and actions/inaction?

What have I been ignoring?

Who am I ignoring? What am Ignoring? What can I forgive myself for in this moment?

How can I let go of my fears and prejudices of myself and others?

God is with you. His love surrounds you. Forgiveness of our hates and prejudices is right here waiting for you, but it means letting go of feeling seperate, better than or less than.

It’s time to let them go, but you can’t let them go in anger or hatred. You can’t let go of something that you are holding onto or pushing down.

Release your fears. It is a time to breathe and let others breathe…freely and with love.