Unmet emotional needs
kind of a hefty post title, but bear with me. I just finished the book, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, and wanted to share some of the thoughts and theories that have really started to change things around here.
first of all, I think anyone in a marriage or relationship or wanting better relations publicly, privately, or in business with the opposite sex should read this book. seriously. sure some of the stuff I didn't agree with, but for the most part YES YES YES, you need to read these things. funny enough, I only paid attention to the parts that "men" need, because, well, I'm reading the book to make our marriage better. I'm not going to read it and then show Tyson everything he needs to be doing for me and then nag him to do it (and if you read the book you'll understand why men hate that ha).
one of the parts that really, really hit home were the 6 different emotional needs that women and men have and that most are not being met. women's 6 are different than men's 6 emotions that need to be met, and we basically are showing each other the needs we have instead of meeting theirs. once the 6 basic emotions are met, then you are able to feel the other 6 emotions, but not until then. it's a lot like the 5 love languages, you have to show them what they need, not what you need. and I totally agree with this.
Most of the time I run around trying to take care of my husband the way I want to be taken care of and because he's a man he either 1. doesn't even notice what I'm doing or 2. notices and it doesn't fill any of his love buckets. so we both are desperately pouring love into buckets that have giant holes in them instead of filling first is what is needed to patch up the bucket. anything you do after that will make them feel like a rockstar that is totally in love and taken care of.
WOMEN'S EMOTIONAL NEEDS (men gives)
1. CARING (he shows interest in her feelings)
2. UNDERSTANDING (she is heard and understood)
3. RESPECT (he takes into consideration her thoughts and feelings)
4. DEVOTION ( he makes her feelings and needs more important than his interests like, work, hobbies)
5. VALIDATION (he confirms she has a right to the way she feels)
6. REASSURANCE ( he assures her again and again she is loved)
MEN'S EMOTIONAL NEEDS (women gives)
1. TRUST (she believes he is doing his best)
2. ACCEPTANCE (she doesn't try to improve him, she trusts him to make his own improvements)
3. APPRECIATION ( she values his efforts and behavior)
4. ADMIRATION (she is happily amazed with his unique characteristics and talents)
5. APPROVAL (she acknowledges his goodness and expresses overall satisfaction with him)
6. ENCOURAGEMENT (gives hope and courage by expressing confidence in his character and abilities)
I don't know about you but I noticed a few hum dingers in there for me. for example, I am always trying to validate and assess his feelings. and if you look again, men don't need their feelings validated, understood or assured as their 6 basic needs. yes they need that, but they literally are incapable of feeling the emotions of caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation and reassurance (ha) until his 6 basics are met.
I think what I love the most about this (but am also terrified) is that there isn't a lot of action involved in the first 6 for men. the one I'm most (and other women are too) terrified to give is TRUST. I look around at our current culture around men and there isn't any trust involved...at all. even movies for my kids to watch the men are all either 1. evil 2. dumb or 3. funny. they definitely are not trusted at ALL.
and confession, I have a hard time trusting my husband. (granted, I have a hard time trusting anyone, but still). I second guess and nag and check in with him about everything, not trusting that he can do it right. where does that come from? maybe I don't want to know, but now understanding that TRUST is his very FIRST emotional need?
well, it explains a lot right?
why is it so difficult for women to release the control button and trust? or is it just me?
what this helped me to do is something I've been trying accomplish with my spiritual practice and that is to surrender. I know I married an amazing man, I know he can do anything he puts his mind to, so I just have to sit back with trust and surrender (and appreciate and encourage him on his way). I think the surrendering part is what we don't want to give up, and also the thing that will drive us crazy if we don't.
put it in God's hands. let go. unless you married a craptastic bag of crap of a man, TRUST HIM. accept him for who and how he is, right now. trust that he will figure out the process for his own improvement, on his OWN. maybe it won't be the way you want or agree with, but that's where you have to loosen your grip of control.
I've slowly tried to do this and I can feel it (women are all about feelings, I even italicized them for you to notice) making a difference in our relationship and in our home. are things perfect? nope. are they getting better? yes (even though sometimes it feels like 2 steps forward, one step back, but I like to do the cha cha)
I hope this helps someone else out there, because I know we all truly desire a healthy and happy relationship in our marriages.
this also helps meet the emotional needs of your children based on their sex and can help a lot with parenting and filling their love buckets also.
do you agree with these? or do you think we have the same basic emotional needs? I'm always curious to learn more.